The breadman making his rounds. Cockroaches partaking in the feast of saints and martyrs, piping hot instant noodles and semi-cold beer. Playing make-believe, pretending to be rulers of this suspended limbo where all our loyal subjects slumber, drowsy with their little preoccupations.

3.26 a.m. Its funny how unfamiliar the familiar seems when we are on the other side of the mirror. Mundane, even banal, things seem to take on a whole new depth of meaning if you look closely enough, making associations, observations, fascinating to no end. Street lights become the eyes of a cosmic giant, or perhaps shooting stars of astronomical proportions, streaking and flaring through the darkness of space yet is still, the strange guardians of a strange land. Paradoxical, as life often is, a reflection of the familiar. Distorted.

The most innocuous stairwell could very well take on a sinister intent. There is no way, no way at all of seeing where it led, only where it didn’t lead to. Trapped, claustrophobic. Racing hearts, definitely not from excitement. A ghostly apparition, semi-solid, still, expressionless. And familiar. Banquo seeing himself. Sins of the past, captured with a delayed click, light entering, exposing for the world to see, etched into memory.

Go down the rabbit hole, it whispered and beckoned, Alice and the Queen of Hearts are waiting. What? Where? Wonderland? A Boogie Wonderland?
I did not tread down that path, knowing surely it would end in heartbreak.

“And then it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.”

“So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us – that’s snatched right out of our hands – even if we are left completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”

I think these two quotes from the book are the most important and profound ones in Sputnik Sweetheart.

hello, i m very sorry for all the times i mistreated you. please teach me how to appreciate the good things i have in this life and not get unhappy over things that don’t matter in this life.

it was my fault. i have been unstable of late, i keep snapping at the smallest things, there is something gnawing at me, i don’t know what is wrong. i hope you believe me. i love you so much, but i just keep hurting you time and again and its not like i can help it. i really dont deserve you. i hear you tell me all the things you have done for me and i m just so fucking thankful, you have no idea. I may not voice it, but i am. i m fucking thankful that i have somebody to hug me, to listen to me all the damned time. and the thing is, i dont deserve any of it. i have to walk away before i, of my own doing, destroy every single happy memory of me from you. i beg you, please always have fond thoughts of me. i dont deserve it either, but i hope you can do it for me. i want to be a beautiful memory

all i have left in this world is ponyboy

Thank you everyone who made my birthday a happy one. and of course, most thanks to unicornprincess for planning everything (:

Roy, Johan, Weizheng, Wendy, Yiling, Jac, thanks for showing me that some friendships are for life

Andrew, Tony and Jasmine, you are missed. I see traces of you guys all the time

Soong, have a great time in Melbourne. I know you will.

Fahmy, for being ever the big brother to me

Paul Chen, the second last of the chen, thio, chu and chia still in Singapore

Daniel, for being a good friend

Dad, Mum and Melissa, I know you guys love me.

And of course, Therese, for being the unicornprincess to my ponyboy.

i am a denim pervert. i want my 05 clawmark and my new standards.

oh what i will give to have us start on a clean slate again

early this morning i was walking to work when i had a bad stomachache and all i said was “my tumtum arh”

guess i miss you already more than you know

It has been a while since I touched this blog. Looking backat my entries, I am pretty sure I was nothing short of a depressive presence in the lives of others (and still am, I’m certain). School is over at last. I am not happy about it but I can’t say I am not relieved. I am now a full-time telesales operator and I spend all my time bugging people and getting curt replies of “not interested”. So much for an excellent education. Not.

I sometimes think I grew up too late. I think I’ve just reached the point where I seriously weigh my dreams against my responsibilities and abilities, and found myself sorely lacking in the responsiblilites and abilities departments. And so I settled for a job that I hate just for the dough and I have forgotten how it feels like to dream and I look at my mediocre self and think sowhatifihaveadream,idonthavethecapabilityandthedrive.

Or maybe I am just too lazy and settle for too little.

I will be a world traveller one day. I will smile to everyone. I will have compassion. I will be happy.